So I Still Feel Badly

for that maniacal marine who stopped by the peace vigil yesterday to express his anger and vehemence toward peace mongers. he was upset but i dont even think he knows what or why he is upset about. i saw his truck parked down the street after the vigil was over and the commotion around the escapee had wound down. the truck was running and i waited for him a few minutes. then i tried to see which store he might be in. no dice. my frozen butt moseyed on to my car. what would i have said to him? im not really sure. i wanted to tell him that i love him but some times when you tell strangers that they a) dont believe you or b) think youre whacko. im not sure what i woulda said, just like when someone asked, “would you have jumped on him if he had hit tony?” i wasnt certain. i said that sure i would have but most likely i wouldnt have. a lot of times i get shocked into inaction–unless a kid is choking. i am all over that type of emergency. also, i dont know if jumping on a guy is appropriate behavior at a peace vigil. ghandi gave that hindu gesture of forgiveness to his assasin when he was shot. totes admire that. but am i that big? this wasnt even a blip on the radar as far as negative stuff ive encountered in life but it still shocked my system. ive been very sensitive to all things american since getting back to america and conservative right wing homophobic (assuming here, folks) war mongering christian (sufuckingpposedly!) former marines who berate a group of old folks (seriously im the youngest by 30 years) was just too much on wednesday afternoon. then i stopped at the gas station on my way home and there was a bumper sticker right in front of me that said “my peace symbol” and it was a picture of crosshairs. right above it was another bumper sticker that read, “press 1 for english. to learn english, press 2.” to my left was a van carrying a latino family. im fucking unsettled by this so i reckon they HAVE to be. the lady driving the van smiled back at me. at least someone is happy in this town. sheesh. so yesterday’s challenge was not to fall into the trap of cursing the marine and not to think ill of the man who had the douchebag bumper stickers and to love and pray for them. that shit is hard, jesus. and my little story of rabbits watership down is stressing me the fuck out. i just hope one of them doesnt die. im nowhere near finishing up the sunday new york times and im going home monday for a closure session with my therapist. i had grand notions of going to see him twice a month starting last may and ive been maybe 8 times. so, we are parting ways since i cant make it a priority to get there. fuck, i will be lucky to have the gas money to get there and back come monday. it is interesting to not have money. im not used to it. well, i am used to it as i didnt have much money the 51 days i was galavanting all over the globe but now big spender is on home turf with no dinero. it is humbling and exciting and it forces creative solutions. ive gone back to cooking as a result and fuck im so good at it. i would much rather eat my food than anyone else’s but lazy comes in to play when there is money. im even eating leftovers. that word was not in my vocab until now. im looking forward to the restaurants where i work to get busy busy so i can start planning my late summer “meet the godchild trip” and my winter sabbatical. ive been thinking s america and the new york times has a writeup on the road that crosses the continent. a sign? i think everything is a sign and im trying to get away from that line of thinking. it’s been my way for so long though. it’ll be tough to shake. or not. im ready to shake this winter. this last alberta clipper has me shivering on double layers and four blankets, but let’s be real, that is because i live in an uninsulated tin can. and the tin can is smelling bad bc ive been using the potty in it since i got back and it is supposed to be full when you drain the black water so i filled it and still cant drain the water bc, as i discovered this morning, the waste in the line to the septic tank is frozen. frozen solid. oh, well, i just get to be olfactorily reminded of india as i fall asleep tonight, will burn some incense for added authenticity.

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2 thoughts on “So I Still Feel Badly

  1. I’ve participated in a couple of long standing peace vigils, and there are always the “go back to Russia” types. It is hard to seek common ground, but I usually try by asking what is their favorite amendment to the constitution? Mine are the first (speech and assembly) and the eighth (no cruel and unusual punishment), theirs is usually the second (bear arms), but we can agree on liking and protecting the constitution.
    Also, don’t underestimate the power of the vigil. I still remember as a child the anti-Vietnam war vigil in my area – the women carried signs reading “Not our sons, Not your sons, Not their sons.” It was very powerful.

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