I’ve Heard That Anxiety

is living in the future rather than the present, a state of anti zen.  jealousy, as i have come to understand the term from experiencing it, studying it, and overcoming it, is a form of anxiety.  it is a reaction to the fear of losing something.  last week I had a little twinge of jealousy, my first in a WHILE.  i embraced polyamory last year after my engagement was broken off, tired of repeating the same unsuccessful behavior of monogamy and all its related misery.  upon embracing this polyamorous lifestyle, i had to think about people and relationships differently.  i didn’t even really have to think about them differently because for a long, long time i have understood it wrong to see people as possessions–i just had to act and react differently and retrain my thought process regarding my lovers.  it was a fun exercise in growth, conquering jealousy, and i credit my friend jenny the most with helping me.  after hanging out with her and seeing her moved to action by nothing but love, i felt compelled to strive for the same.  i am still a far place from the awesomeness that is jenny but i have come along way.  then a few months ago, i was asked to engage monogamously with the girlfriend i have now.  i was not opposed to that.  in fact, the thought excited me.  we were pretty much already monogamously-situated and i was not interested in dating other folks.  my hesitancy, however, came from the fact that the girlfriend is very young, 22 to be exact, and  from my own experiences with monogamy all resulting in infidelity.  in spite of my reservations, i gladly decided to be monogamous and have been SO happy with the situation.  i have a kinky, open-minded, queer, spiritual, femme, kind, gorgeous, and all-around amazing lover.  in spite of all that, i also still have my baggage, this baggage being jealousy within a monogamous situation.  so last weekend i came face-to-cafe with my proverbial baggage and was glad i handled the situation better than i would have previously but less than proud of myself for not handling it as well as i thought i should, a la jenny.  to sum things up, we went out with some of the girlfriend’s work friends and my girlfriend got pretty lit and was a little over-the-top with a co-worker that she had previously mentioned having a crush on.  we talked about it heatedly the next day.  my point was, behavior like that doesn’t fall in within the confines of monogamy, and that monogamy is a situation she wished me to engage in and which i was reluctant to do for this very type of situation, and that is we weren’t going to be monogamous, she couldn’t just decide at a bar one night for the both of us but fail to inform me, and god almighty, if you’re doing this  in front of me, what are you doing behind my back?!  i told her it is natural to want to fuck other people.  it is unnatural to not want to fuck other people.  she insisted that it was one drunken, dumb, slip that would not be repeated.  i told her that was hard for me to trust seeing as all the cheating situations i had ever been involved with had begun in such a fashion.  our angry, pre church talk concluded with me going to church alone and her calling her ex girlfriend to get some extraneous, objective advice.  she came in at the last 15 minutes of church and everything seemed fine.  we held each other, jenny hugged us both, we chalked the incident up to a drunken lapse of judgment, and we went on about our day visiting friends and eating lunch in downtown asheville.  once we got home she asked, are you mad i called my ex?  no!  definitely not.  i am GLAD.  that was the best thing you could have done and i think you misunderstand where any jealousy and issues i have may stem from.  it isn’t exes. it’s from you and your behavior about them or anything else.  i am set off by thinking something is being hidden from me and i can smell it a mile away.  i told her i didn’t ever want to infringe upon her free will and that id much rather have hard conversations than have my feelings spared.  monday she brought up what would have normally been a hard conversation for her.  some coworkers asked if i was mad about her behavior saturday.  i had not shown that i was mad so their perception was solely them seeing what they saw and assuming that i would be upset about it.  so since last saturday it has been my challenge to not turn into that hyper-vigilant jealous nut bag that is contrary to everything i believe in and to offer the girlfriend a pass and to trust that it was a one-time drunken lapse of judgment, that nothing is going on behind my back, that we are both equally ecstatic about the relationship–its direction and progress, and to just breathe and not be anxious about anything.  i refuse to be the saboteur of this relationship.  i refuse to let my past patterns of behavior interfere with a relationship that i am more than happy with, and to quote from a tom robbins’ work envisioning a positive outcome, a new beginning:

A better world has gotta start somewhere. Why not with you and me?

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