This Compulsive Crying Shit

This compulsive crying shit will eventually stop.  I mean, telling the WOW reps my partner would not be on the flight sunday night–water works. Crying and laughing alternately as the sleet beat down on me trying to hitchhike into reykjavic this morning.  And then at lunch i cried into my expensive, delicious vegan lasagna while a hot Icelandic server pretended not to notice cuz her Billie Holiday selection had prompted the damn tears.  And then the flood of support made me cry again.  Im crying for my best friend not being here with me.  Im crying for not being the best friend to my best friend because maybe she would be here if id tried harder. Im crying because i dont think im *able* to try harder. Im crying because i love myself and wish the person i love so much would be ok with me being my weirdo self.  Who else is gonna love the queer in the hammock?!  Im crying because maybe im just not cut out for love in the conventional sense and im crying because i want someone,someone very specific, to share this amazing trip with me.  Im crying because even though i love thrills hitchhiking still scares me a little bit. Im crying because people are lonely enough to pick me up of the side of the road. Im crying because i dont get to see my godson enough. Im crying because music is soul, and icelanders know some great music. Im crying because ive got a difficult night tomorrow as far as logistics getting back to KEF go on my limited budget.  Im gonna go back to the original point though–im crying because my love and i are on the outs and it may not be reconcilable even with the time and space. Im crying because even though she loves me to infinity and beyond, she deserves her dream life and not my dream life. Im crying because i cant conform, and im crying because that even if i could i wouldnt want to conform. Im crying because ive been here before.  But that being said, i know verything will be ok.


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