Im in france–the southern part, the best part. Speaking of “the best part,” outside of Bert and Christine themselves, the best part fo their place was their fancy toilet. It is Scandinavian-made, separates pee and urine (hence its name SEPARETT!), and dries out the dookie so you just throw it out with the garbage. This toilet does all these things without SMELLING, which is unusual because most stand-alone/self-composting toilets STINK to high heaven. I was fascinated with Bert and Christine’s toilet. I used it a lot. A couple days into my stay i even noted that i was using the bathroom much more frequently than i had been on my journey which made me realize i was eating more, in turn, causing me to poop more–pretty simple logic there. I wasnt just eating an apple for breakfast, a granola with a smear of peanut butter for lunch, and then an evening meal+a beer–now i was back to eating hobbit style, thanks to feeder Bert. And speaking of “toilets,” my godson is learning to use the toilet on his own. He asked yesterday to use it fo the first time–normally he gets a barrage of reminders from his moms (mama and boubi) which prompt him to go, so, for him to request the toilet is a BFD. My little man is growing up!
And speaking of “growing up,” i went to Tif’s basketball game yesterday after lunch at the in-laws (mami Jo and papi Andre) and watched Matias watch his mom play basketball. Last time I was here, he was too young to attend, and I realized after the game that I have been watching Tiffany play basketball for 18 years–half my freaking life! Sometimes, like now, with my relationship in the proverbial toilet, I get the notion to stay in france, with these folks ive known basically forever and who love me like family (maybe more so). I got it in my head a couple of days ago that verythign was going to be topsy-turvy when i got back to wnc, that no one would want me there, and that i should just go far, far away, try to escape the soul-crushing pain that has been squeezing my innards in a way that i physically experience. I’ve cried a little bit more since getting here–there are a lot of reminders of nicole because we spent our last two anniversaries here, and i landed on what would have been our third anniversary. But after talking with tif and fab about everything, the pain is ebbing once again, AND some of my waynesville friends gave me a facetime call late last night, which was a fantastic reminder of what awaits me at home. Im trying to line up a part-time job to fund my titty removal next winter about this time, so im contacting that fella soon. I’m also lining up some therapy for when i get back, get my head on straight. Like most folks, i find physical exercise to be therapeutic and on friday i just mentioned to tif how i’d like to get back to running and then just a few hours later, i had a message from a facebook friend asking if I’d like to be her running partner–parfait! Everything is lining up to be my year outside of the nicole situation, but maybe that is lining up as it is supposed to as well–maybe we just arent supposed to be together and maybe being together would be counterproductive. I had to make a list of reasons why i shouldnt be with this person because the last few weeks have been me idealizing the relationship. I have observed my pain during the last few weeks and my reflexive reactions to that pain, my familiar route of wanting to destroy the person causing me hurt (which is really crazy because i instigated the breakup and should be happy, right). Ive just observed the pain, sat with it, and considered how ridiculous and immature the reaction of anger+destruction is and how I’d like to react differently toward nicole, how I’d like to react with kindness like i do with my best friends as well as perfect strangers, everyone except my partner(s). I really want THAT to be the change i come out of this experience with–not letting my strong feelings affect my values and my judgment, to always act with kindness, ESPECIALLY toward my partner(s). If i could do that, i would feel grown up. It may be too late for this particular relationship, but it would be indispensable for a successful, future relationship.